STOP: Don't do it. [Egregious Eyes]

Things Eyes CAN do:
Squint. Twitch. Shut. Open. Widen. Water. Narrow. Focus. Adjust. Blink. Glance.
Things Only Scary Bad Fiction Eyes Can Do:
Pop. Scythe. Raze. Flame. Flash. Freeze. Bug. Laser. Drill. Undress. Flicker. Glow. Dim.

(Feel free to add to either list in the comments!)

    -- from SB Sarah:

Seriously. Can we stop with the flicker of fear, the fleeting hint of desire, the flash of rage? COME ON. Couldn’t a hero have tension between his eyebrows, a wrinkle near his eyes that indicated rage that smooths out before she gets a good look? Something other than an emotion floating in his eyeballs that she gets a glimpse of?

Oh, see, I really have nothing to add to this. Nothing.

-- except to say: unless you have an x-ray machine and/or are a doctor of psychology and fairly certain about your patient, the human body can only tell the reader what anyone would be able to see from the outside. Unless you've got an ophthalmology license, there's just not too much you can read in someone's eyes. And if they're flashing? Just think POLTERGEIST. Or, very angry djinn. And run.

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BONUS: Freebie short story by Sherwood Smith at Book View Cafe!

Awesome eyes courtesy of Webweaver Free Clipart. Thanks, guys!

STOP: Don't do it. [Egregious Clichés]

Writers, writers, writers.
Please. If you're a budding writer, a hopeful author, or even just a person who occasionally writes lists, PLEASE do not stoop to using clichés. Please. Do. Not.

I just had to put down a book because of this sentence:

The tailor smiled and his stitches flew, faster than she could think.

Look: no one, but no one sews faster than a person can think. And if they can sew faster than she can think, then boy has she got a problem.

Writers, you have been warned. Don't Do It.

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This has been a public service announcement of the Most Egregious Language Blunders. Thank-you.

Why TadMack Rocks + Son of Most Egregious Misuse

So...it's been a little quiet around here. Funny thing, but it happened to coincide rather neatly with me and TadMack getting together in person to get caught up, reunite with some other grad school friends, and eat pie.

Anyway, there are many reasons why TadMack is awesome, but I wanted to point out that today she managed to A) fly back to Scotland from California; B) make it back in time to attend our online writing group chat; and C) give helpful, encouraging, and cogent commentary on my much-labored-over first chapter, which has now been sent off to Firebrand Literary's query holiday. My revision continues apace, with many handwritten notes and much stress about whether the rest of the novel will live up to the first chapter, now that I've polished it to a blinding shine.

Things that have NOT been polished to a blinding shine: two examples of Stunningly Egregious Misuse that I have to pass along to you so that you may share in my aggravation. Example the first was seen on a license plate frame (where Egregious Misuse tends to abound):

In case of RAPTURE
CARS YOURS!

To me it sounds like some sort of strange insult: Hey! You! Cars yours! Accompanied, of course, by an appropriately rude gesture, or perhaps the painful flinging of a Matchbox car.

Example the second was spotted as I drove past some kind of industrial supply warehouse alongside the freeway. They had a rather large sign posted advertising

Get Nanomasks here
KILLS VIRUS'

Several things are disturbing here. Firstly, there's the nanomask thing--I don't know what a nanomask is, but it sounds like some scary post-apocalyptic accessory. Secondly, there's that damn apostrophe. So, when I first glanced at this sign, I didn't see the apostrophe, and it wasn't quite as bad. I mean, they could have written "KILLS VIRUS" because they couldn't fit in the final "ES" on the sign, or maybe they were second-language English speakers. But really. This is one of those "greengrocer's apostrophes" that Lynne Truss rants on about. It's enough to make me want to be a good grammar vandal, except it would require a rather large ladder and some trespassing.

Sigh.

Toon Thursday: Next Winner!

Congratulations to Sara at Read Write Believe for her winning entry! This one was a lot of fun to draw, and I got to abuse Photoshop textures. Whee!

Unfortunately (for you all, but fortunately for me!!) I will be on vacation starting next Thursday, so Toon Thursday will go on hiatus until at least Thanksgiving. I'll be back from my trip before then, but I can't make any guarantees about cartoons getting done the week of Turkey Day. But after that...I'll be posting the remaining contest winner and honorable mention. So let this be your cliffhanger...mwahahahahaha...

Oh, and one small egregious misuse from my end. A car I was following while running errands today had a license plate frame (not generally known as a source of exemplary grammar) that read "Nothin' finer then a 49er." It's also sports-related, so I suppose I shouldn't be entirely surprised. My favorites, though, are the ones that say "Win, lose or die--Raiders 'til I die." Because clearly--from other license frames I've seen which are actually correct--it's supposed to read "Win, lose or tie--Raiders 'til I die." But no. Half the time they don't. And it makes no sense, I tell you. What use is a dead football team? Honestly.

History, MEM's, Odds & Ends

"So why do we teach history to our children? Is it for the glow of pleasure we get when we hear their cherubic little mouths repeating the names and dates of all the kings and queens since Edward the Confessor, each battle they fought, every treaty they signed and every head they (personally) struck from renegade shoulders? Or is history principally about humanity? Understanding when leadership becomes tyranny and why holocausts and genocides happen?"

Beth Webb, author of the fabulous Star Dancer series talks about fiction having just as much importance as fact when children select books on historical fiction. Is there a such thing as misleading children with the fictional aspects of historical fiction?

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OH. MY. Can you spot the SINGLE correct usage in this window?!

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Harper Lee has been known for years as one of the most reclusive writers in our modern world. Her book was so timely a reminder of the realities of segregation and the equal rights struggle that she seems almost magical, or prophetic - she appeared when she was needed, and has virtually kept her silence ever since. Her Presidental Freedom Award means that she will soon get a chance to meet George Bush, and have a moment in the spotlight once more. Wouldn't it be something if she found something else timely to say to the nation again?

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DON'T miss the great cynsations interview with the very complex and thought-provoking Pooja Makhijani. She is, reportedly, "slowly working on a YA novel." Much squealing here!

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Oh, yeah, everybody's excited over the tree-topper at Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast -- but do YOU have a Hanukkah bush? This would go with it perfectly.

Most Egregious Misuse - the Central Station

Kidlitosphere:
You will note that I DID try not to start right out in a new place with A Bad Attitude.

Many of you may feel my linguistic nitpicking is narrow minded, tight-fisted, ham-handed -- name your cliché. Many of you know that I am quite simply wrathful, sulking, pouting and ill-tempered, since so many people this weekend are out apparently having a lovefest -- without ME. So, I tried to temper my temper. I tried to have The Proper Attitude, tried saying to myself "This is a new place, I shall take it as I find it," tried whistling a happy tune -- but then, this.

And the 'taking things as I find them' thing -- went right out the window.

This is the MOST EGREGIOUS MISUSE I found today. When is that International Punctuation Day!??! Never mind next year's Kidlitosphere Conference in Portland. We need to begin preparing to open up a can of whoop-punctuation on some people, right now...

Checking In...

I just found out that I'm slow and apparently I missed the deadline to register for Teen Read Week (this year's theme is Laugh Out Loud - LOL - and don't miss the awesome-looking website). Via Jen Robinson's Book Page comes all the info.

In Cybils news, the 2007 website is taking shape, and for the next couple of weeks on the Cybils blog you can read introductions to all the category organizers, including yours truly (as if you didn't get enough of me already! Hee!). And, on a side note (but a relevant one, since I'm organizing the Graphic Novels category), a friend forwarded me a link to boldtype, whose current issue #47 is all about comics, though not YA-specific (in fact, several of them are most definitely NOT YA...).

Okay...last but not least, I have a highly amusing Most Egregious Misuse to entertain you all. I was driving around town running errands, when I drove past a jewelry pawnshop I've driven past probably a million times; but I'd never closely read the sign in the window before, which said (emphasis added):

WE BUY SCRAP GOLD TOO. YES, EVEN YOUR MOTHER-N-LAW'S GOLD TEETH.

Okay, so it could have been an unintentional spelling error. But still. It was those sticky letters that you stick onto glass windows. You'd think they would double-check first.

And I feel compelled to point out that, NO, I was not running errands at the pawnshop. This particular strip mall is located at a busy downtown corner and contains a pawnshop, a notary, a palm reader, and a Chinese restaurant. And I was not going to any of them. I was driving past. I swear.

Fun for Your Inner Editor

I found a few interesting links to share with you today. Since I recently took on some new freelance editing work and may end up with some more, I was interested in self-quizzes for the AP Stylebook. I have a copy, and refer to it a lot, but I still need to sit down and actually study it at some point. So I thought some exercises might be helpful, and I ended up finding these and these. I also found a potentially very useful site called Newsroom101.com, full of exercises in grammar, AP style, and for you Most Egregious Misuse addicts, exercises in easily confusable words.

On a completely different note, don't miss the new site Cuentesitos by fellow graphic novel Cybil-ster Gina of AmoXcalli--it's dedicated to Latino children's and YA lit, but it also happens to have our SCBWI blogging presentation prominently featured at the top. Thanks, Gina, and good luck with the new blog!

Toon Thursday: It's All About the B.I.C.

Man, I got this one up in record time. I may have missed Thursday anywhere that observes Greenwich Mean Time or later, but in the U.S. of A.--contiguous and non-contiguous--I'm still doing great. Then again, I am procrastinating about the revision of my last three YA novel chapters. The main problem is that I think I have to completely gut and rewrite the last chapter. The ending, people!! ARGH!!! The thought of rewriting the ending is seriously making me ill. Not because I so love the current ending, but because of the mental effort involved, and my desire to make it perfect. So I think I'll procrastinate just a little more, and go back to designing a poster for a local production of Pig Farm...Yup, that's the ticket.

But before I do, here's a Most Egregious Misuse I saw yesterday on my way to the post office. In the window of a Perko's diner I saw a sign reading "Ham and Egg's Breakfast $3.99" or some such terrible misuse of an apostrophe. Grr.

Most Egregious Misuse and More

Hwy 505, just outside of Vacaville: Local Grown Peaches.
Apparently it would have killed them to add the -ly.
Oh! But there's awesome usage news -- via Bookshelves of Doom, I a.) found out about a new grammar site -- and b.) discovered that they have endoresed Junie B. Jones. So huzzah - let all children rejoice - and eventually learn better grammar.

Good reporting from A.F, the social half of the group. I'm still sort of shocked that the Mirrored Disco trio didn't win the silvery award with their blinding getup. Seriously. Did someone go Goldfinger and paint themselves?!

Via Book Moot, we may now be seeing the last Artemis Fowl. What IS it with fun series ending this year!? Why can't they, as Hank Green sang, "last forever?"

Ooh - more books! Check out the Pay It Forward Book Exchange. Fun!

Egregiousness Abounding in the Filthy City

O, waily, waily...for woe is the state of the English language from one end of my fair state to the next. Or at least from the middle to the far end. Yes, friends, Romans, compatriots -- it's time once again for that annoying English major tribute, the Most Egregious Misuse, Report!

Yesterday's M.E.M. was spotted on Highway 101, near Gilroy. It was a professionally done sign for a fruit/veg stand that sold cherries and garlic -- apparently an unbeatable combination. (Ew.) The sign read, Fresh Cherries: Get 'um now.

Um?
So, apparently 'them' is now spelled thum?

I won't dwell on that, lest I am accused yet again of unfair umbrage against cherry growers -- and anyway, it it today's M.E.M. that gives my heart the most joy. This one I found only an hour ago... at Her Britannic Majesty's Government Consular Enquiries section, on Wilshire Blvd.. Yes. You read that correctly. In the inner offices of the King's English, there is a sign:

Courier's, please dial 2937 for entry.

Hah! Colonist that I am, I know how to use an apostrophe.

Kidding aside, I am thrilled to have been "dear"ed and "love"d all day by the staff at the UK Visa office here in L.A. (imagine if that happened at, say, the DMV!?), and I am done, done, done with all that paperwork (for the moment)! Now after my second shower of the day (Ah, Los Angeles -- it coats the skin and clogs the pores to be sure you don't forget where you are), I am ready to sit down and get to work on finishing up what we're doing for tomorrow's SCBWI presentation on blogging the kidlitosphere. 'Having Our Say' is the title of our presentation, and we honestly plan to do so! So many of you have blogged intelligently about not only YA books, but the publishing process, their authors, and you have recommended great titles for all kinds of populations. We are proud (and okay - I am a little nervous) to represent you. Maybe next year, YOU can represent the rest of us.

And now, to work!

A Few Tuesday Tidbits

This one's for TadMack and her Most Egregious Misuses--I like to call it Most Egregious Use, because, although correct, it just doesn't sound right. Spied on a packet of chocolate McVitie's Digestive Biscuits: "Eat Healthily." Urrrgghhh.

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Along with Kelly H., Little Willow, and Gina, we've been busily planning our panel discussion for the upcoming SCBWI conference in Los Angeles, and just to give you a teaser, it's going to be goooooood....Here are a few of the goodies you can look forward to:

• Free stuff! Yay!


• Edible yummies! Mmmm!


• Incredibly useful handouts! Woo!


• Cool multimedia presentation! Oooh!


• Screenshots galore showing off our favorite blogs and blogosphere events! Whee!


• And, last but not least, a fabulous prize or two!

Who can resist all that? Not me. Of course, I was going to be there anyway, so...if any of you bloggers out there are planning to be at the conference, let's meet up for drinks! I'm planning to be at the poolside thingy and I'd rather not hang around drinking my Corona by myself like the last time I went in 2005 (wearing a hideous Hawaiian-print dress, looking like an underage drinker, having a random brief inconsequential conversation with Bruce Hale), so let's put together a blogger contingent! And don't forget our panel--"Having Their Say: Blogging About Children's Literature" is on Friday morning.

Streamers trailing, brain's mushy; party's over...

Whew, you guys, what a week! My brain's a little mushy after reveling in all of this writerly brilliance these last seven days. Thanks for dropping by for the wild week that was the Summer Blog Blast Tour. I can't wait to do it again.

Here are a few crumbs and streamers littering the floor of my brain:

ChickenSpaghetti, linked to La Bloga, where they're talkin' multicultural books, which brought to mind our recent discussion with the ever-awesome Julie Anne Peters, about which groups should write which literature for whom. If the only books children see about Hispanic culture include piñatas and parties, the only books for Chinese-American children include dragons and moon cakes, and the only stories for African American children include watermelon and double-dutch... well, you see the problem? So, the only pictures we have of gay and lesbian children and teens should portray... what? And be written by whom?

(Random point: I have had people tell me that all stereotypes are based in some fact, so maybe we should all just give up and let stereotypes at least give people an entrance into the various cultures. I'm sure you already know my opinion on THAT -- two words. Cop and out.)

The "bad" news is, the internet is once again destroying our culture, and we're going to the dogs, er, the rabbits (via Original Content) - at least that's what yet another alarmist has said. The good news is, the Carnival is in town! Check out the offerings at A Year of Reading. I love the little newspaper dealies they concocted. Very cool.

Salon's talking graphic novels, and NPR This Morning interviewed Shannon Hale about Austenland. Shriek! MUST read that book! I'm so jealous of EVERYONE WHO ALREADY HAS. (Ahem, LW and whichever other of my bookstore/librarian Cybils sisters who have been DISCUSSING IT WITHOUT ME. Ahem!)

It's time again for another M.E.M. report - the Most Egregious Misuse of the English language I saw today was on 9th Street in my Very Own Town. Some civic-minded people have taken it upon themselves to plant signs in their front lawns, advising others to drive carefully. "Slow it Down!" one sign urges. "Drive Safe."

SIGH.

My kingdom for an adverb. L-Y. Is it really that hard!?
Of course not, but we most often hear that phrase, and it no longer matters that for that misuse I got red check-marks on my papers in school. Okay. I can accept that. It's wrong, but I can accept that.

At any rate, I had to save my most annoyed huffing for the next house. Its pastel-painted sign read, "15 mph~! Drive neighborly!"

There are no WORDS. I mean, I guess it could have been worse if they'd tried to parse it "Drive neighborly-ly," but... OY. Adverbs: the most misused part of speech yet.

All right, coming down off the soapbox until next time.

Thank y'all for contributing to a great week.

Most Egregious Misuse - the M.E.M. Awards

All RIGHT, that's it, that's it, that is IT!
From now on, I am a woman on a mission. The madness MUST stop.

I know people fear adverbs, but things like the State of Washington (and apparently the state of Texas and New Jersey) wanting me to "Drive Friendly" and Apple wanting me to "Think Different" can't go unpunished forever. From now on, I am on the lookout for you linguistic scofflaws. There may be nothing I can do except EXPOSE you for your... mangling misdemeanors, but I will, darn you all! I will!

Just say STOP!
This afternoon, I saw a Furry Friend's Pet Grooming sign. I thought, "Okay, that one could have been just a mistake of writing too quickly on a window... except that a.) it's on a window. Anything painted on glass can be removed or corrected. Then I realized that b.)... it's on the license plate holder of the owner's car. Perhaps also in the phone book. Oh dear. Perhaps their name is Furry Friend?

But the MOST Egregious Mis-punctuation of the Day I had to look at three times to be sure it was as bad as I thought. It is indeed quite as bad, and it wins today for All-round Most Egregious English Mangling Misuse: several handmade signs seen on Interstate I-80, outside of Dixon: Fresh, Ripe Cherrie's...!

Ladies and gentlemen: there are no words.